So, you think I am nuts?

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Down but not Out

My baby is struck with a fever since last night. I had been keeping vigilant all night with every hour intervals, waking up to see if she is OK. I have been doing this eversince knowing that she is one of those with fever soaring up quickly . Call me over protecting or exaggerating but I just know what I have to do.

When a fever starts, ice pack, paramol, fever suppository, aerochamber ( for congested cough), minya angin la, vicks and other gadgets are ever ready within the reach of my hands. Am I a freak or what?

Yes, in fact, I try my very best to be a mother and father. It is the hardest when she gets sick. Of course, when he was around, he seldom helped out when she got sick.

Because of the stock running low, I had to replenish the groceries. I took 30 minutes off from my nursing job and went shopping for the household while my dad played nanny. Today was not a good day to start with. It could be hormonal or a call I had earlier. My friends fromIpoh came to town and called me to join them for dinner at MV. I had to turn down the invitation because of my baby. My friend said, "I knew you would say that." It really upset me to hear such remarks because they failed to believe me . If only they were in my shoes ! Then I started to wonder, " People would never know unless they are really in my shoes." I tried to brush off such remarks but the words just stayed in my mind.

OK, nevermind. I have got work to do. I had to cook for the family. Off I went to the grocers. Wah...another bomb came. You see, I seldom go shopping in the weekends because as I said earlier in my post, I feel lonely whenever I see families or couples shopping for their homes. Yet, I have to put on a mask and conceal my real sadness. Everytime when I walk pass a father who cares for his child, I feel his wife is the luckiest woman. The only fear I have is, I have been too independat so much so that I fear I would not know how to depend on a man, should a second chance comes around for me. Not that I have one at the moment but how does it feel to have a man help out in a household, how does it feel to be loved, how does it feel to have someone sharing a life with you or to have someone enriching your life. I read Jomel's post today and tears rolled down my cheeks. It was a very sweet thing for her Beau to sing a birthday song to her every birthday. You see, little things like that tickles my heart.

Yes, behind all these swearing words, the gilaness of my blog, all the saucy topics I chat with my girlfriends, actually how much do they know about how I feel? How much do my parents know my hurt and anguish? I have been wearing a mask; I didn"t want my parents to see me sad especially my mother. I know she cannot take all these sorrows. I thought its only better to not show. But she knows that I drank to sleep every night last year. Her precious whisky gone week after week. Bottles of empty Beefeater on the kitchen counter top. Its been a year and I am trying to deal with the grief and resentment. The drinking ritual has stopped . But I never turn my back on a good glass occassionally. As I said earlier, this year has been good to me . I just realised that the end of the year is coming again and what have I achieved so far? Emotionally , physically and financially. Am I pushing myself too hard or not hard enough?

I haven't had a good cry for ages. I remember, I did not cry for months after the ordeal. Each time, when I drove alone, my mind would wonder and tears would catch me by surprise. But before the first drop could fall onto my cheeks, I managed to withold it and told myself to be strong. Sure, sometimes I broke down but that was last year's story. I shall try to do better next year and 2006 is coming very quickly. It is not my cuppa tea to make new years resolution. But I really hope I fair well mentally, physically and financially.

I guess, today's brew were
* kid having fever and I am worried sick
* last night I had fever and I cannot let myself fall ill because I need to nurse my baby
* reading Jomel's sweet post ( Jo, very touching post la)
* listening to my Ipoh friend's remarks
* grocery shopping on a weekend and having to face reality
* monthly bill is coming ( ask big auntie)

I am going to reboot myself and hopefully come back as siaochabor
Its one of those lousy days I am having, that's all. Rest asssured that I will not do anything stupid. Cow brain I have but still got some sense.

8 Comments:

  • At 10:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dont worry, a friend always tells me, a child will grow an inch if they get sick. How true I dont know. I believe as long as long as you try your best to be there for her, it will be ok. As a mother, you will always feel drain out during your child's sick moments. All mothers will feel one kind emotionally. You are not the only one. My husband also cannot help much during these times.
    You did a good job the whole of this year, give yourself a pat, you deserve it.
    It will never be easy but I know you can do it.Yes!!!
    Trust me, your friend here since Std 1 will be there for you.

     
  • At 10:45 PM, Blogger JoMel said…

    Anon, SCB is very blessed to have a long time friend like you. See SCB, you lose some, you win some.

    I bet tomorrow will be a better day for you. You'll see.

    Even though my memories of my husband are good, I will still cry, just like you. The feelings that I go through is the same as yours. Its just the memories which are different. We cry for what was and what may have been. Sigh!

     
  • At 11:23 PM, Blogger straymana said…

    mmm... all that needed to be said has been said. Sometime, infront of other people we need to put on some mask for one reason or another.

    Still I think a good cry will make you feel better afterward.

    *hug*

     
  • At 5:28 PM, Blogger JoMel said…

    how are you feeling today? How is your baby? Has she recovered? Hope all is well.

     
  • At 10:50 PM, Blogger Siao Cha Bor said…

    thanks you guys...luckily i have this blog to come in to, at least just reading comforting words from you all gives me some sort of a booster

    baby is still having fever; i am monitoring her. will keep you all posted.

    it is hard to find a true friend these days and i am truly grateful for the friends ( true friends) that i have

     
  • At 5:41 PM, Blogger Lin Peh said…

    Lin Peh like you name! Veli the cool ! Aiya... sad also one day, happy also one day. So....Lin Peh chose happy lor. Hope you happy happy everyday also ;-)

     
  • At 12:43 AM, Blogger Siao Cha Bor said…

    thanks linpeh
    and u know wat?
    just seeing u jiggle you spare tyre makes me luff liao

     
  • At 11:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

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