So, you think I am nuts?

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Christmas Present

Christmas Eve day. My family and I were busy preparing for dinner. It was going to be a family dinner with turkey and ham. We were all very excited and busy making salad and stuff when I received a text from my ex saying he is coming to see baby. He was on his way from Singapore. Of course, I was happy for my baby . She hardly knew her father. I would give every opportunity for them to rebond but the fact that he only gave a few hours notice made me very mad. He would always give me insufficient notice.

Anyway, I thought this would be my baby's best Christmas present, that is, to see her father. At this point, I did not even give a thought to my Christmas event tonight. My mind was too busy thinking. Of what?

The problem is I always blame myself for being bold. Bold enough to take the first step walking out of the 14 years of relationship with him. Now, everytime when we meet up, upon seeing his sorry sight, I start to blame myself. I feel sorry for bringing him to this state. But I always tell myself, if it was not him, it would be ME who will be at this state.

I spilled out to my childhood friend yesterday afternoon. Luckily she put some sense back into me. Sometimes, we need somebody to "iron" us straight. Again, I am very grateful that in times like this, I still have a true friend who listens to me.

We met at Starbucks for coffee. Baby was happy to see her dad. But it was a strange feeling for me. From the outside, 3 of us look normal, as like a family , a whole happy unit but with hidden cracks. Anyway, both of them had small talks. Baby was very steady; she behaved well, she did not "daddy this", "daddy that". It was as if there was a wall in between them. The conversation was not all that warm. I guess they need time to rebond. Afterall, they only meet up twice a year. Funny, he never calls to say "hi".

He had requested to go to the bookshop with her today and we leave for Kinokuniya shortly after this. I want to beat the human traffic at KLCC.

I just can't help sorry for baby and her father. I hope tonight's event will chill me out a little.

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