So, you think I am nuts?

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Bury 6 Feet Under

I guess I have rested enough. Thought I should write before going off to Bangkok tomorrow morning. Maybe writing down will help me leave this heavy burden off my shoulders before indulging in feasting and shopping in Bangkok.

I think it all started when I saw this man, a father, taking care of his little baby. He was working on his laptop while his baby was sleeping soundly in the pram. It really touched my heart to see a caring and responsible father. Before I go any further, this is not intended to attack the male species nor intended to gain pity. This is how I feel or should I say, this is the feeling I have missed out since day one baby came to this world.

How I envy those women who have husbands helping willingly. If only I could have a little taste of a man helping out in the household chores and help shoulder the burden of raising a child. You see, my ex never lifted a finger to help me in the household chores. In the very beginning, I thought it was ok for me to deal with ALL household related chores. Once my baby started playgroup, I noticed fathers playing the role they should be playing and then only I realised that my tasks is lopsided. I was the father and mother ! I know it is not good to compare but I just cannot help myself. To just give you a taste of what a bummer he is, he would not answer the phone though sitting next to it. He expected me to come running all the way from the kitchen while in the midst of cooking to to pick up the call in the sitting room. This is only a glimpse of what I went through, HELL, when I was married to a bum.

Everytime when someone asks me about my divorce, the topic of maintenance and alimony ( $$$) pops up. People are just so curious about my financial status. I am not rich nor poor. I live day to day. So, when the question, "does he support you and your baby" pops up, I feel so ashamed to say "No, he doesn't." I know I should not feel bad but I do. Then these people will say, " But how can it be? That is his own flesh and blood." But what I said IS the truth. I do not get anything but I got everything. I can just tahan all the crap and all I want back is my baby. I can leave everything behind for my baby.

I miss being loved
I miss being cared by a man
To feel appreciated for all I have done for the family
From a missy to a devoted wife
I go down on my knees to make a spotlessly clean home
To cook, market,clean, wash
I try my best without a complaint
I cannot even imagine
Me, of all people
Could achieve such tasks
No matter how hard I try
This is what I get in return

Had coffee with a close girlfriend of mine. She said she still smells resentment, anger in me. Sure, I am angry. I am only human. It is easy to say "forgive and forget."

Some days I get by with a breeze, some days I have to drag myself through it. Hormonal or not, I blame myself for still not letting it go. Call me a big softie or a loser but I do miss being loved by a man. I do feel lonely at times despite having friends around.

Be it the third party or drifted apart excuse, I hope to put this behind once and for all. I need to bury the anger. I need to overcome the resentment. Enough is enough. Everytime when I start the nonsense, I think to myself, " There is the greatest outcome in the relationship and it was the making of my baby." If it was not for him, I wouldn't have gotten such a beautiful kid today.

Kleenex, please !


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